Going Back To Old Habbits...

[bordercolliekennel]

Ok, so this is not good. I'm going back to my old habbit of cutting. And idk what to do. And its pretty much my parents that are driving me mad ehough to cut.

So the other day, some how my mom made me mad about somthing and like idk what it was but before that for a while I was thinking about starting to cut again. But I was stroung for a while and didn't but then I just got so mad at my mom that I did a few on my side so no one can easily see it.

Then last night I went to a show and go and my dog did horrible, i wasn't really that upset about that but then my parents and this lady who works with my brother, becky, got to me. I told my dad what happened and he was all like why did you practice with some elses' dog when you should be practcing with your own and it made me mad that hes always in my face about why I do this or that but I just brushed it off and went to watch TV cause that usally calms me down. So then becky came in and she was all like y are you so mad and she wouldn't leave me alone and I was about to kill her casue she was all in my face and I was like leave me alone but she wouldn't leave me alone. So then my mom got home and then she was all like well are you mad cause of Micheala ir somthing and I was like no and it duck me off that she autmaticly blames Micheala if I'm mad. And I was in a bad mood so she was like ok, I won't ask any more and so I went to watch TV again. But I was still in a bad mood so when I got to my room I found scissors and i started cutting like crazy, well I guess it wasn't like crazy but it was a pretty good amount. So like idk what to do about them, like no matter what they do they always make me mad.

But then I go through like fases. One hour I'm all like I have a great life and its so great and stuff. And then like the next hour I'm like i hate my life, I hate myself, I want to die. Its werid.

And then I don't wanna tell any one but my bffl Nykki and me know every thing about each other. And like I don't wanna hide anything but if I told her it would just make it worse. But like shes probably going to find out eventually casue we like change together and stuff(it might seem kinda werid but we don't really care, it saves time and space).

And then like this is kinda unrelated but I just wanna put this in this post too. I'm not really sure if I still like my BF a lot. Like hes really nice and stuff but like idk if I feel like myself around him, well I do but then I don't, if that makes sense. We went to the movies on saturday and like it was fun but I was all nervous and stuff and it was kinda werid, but it was my first date so that could that be the reason I felt kinda nervous? And like we don't really talk on the phone that much and stuff that much and right now he thinks I'm mad at him and idk why. And we meassage each other and stuff. And the other day he told me loves me but Micheala kinda made him so like I was just like "ok love you too" but then later when he called me at his house and he was like "ok well i gotta go, love you" and I was like "love you too" but he hasn't said it since then so like idk if he meant it or not. But like I don't really know him that well. So like idk what to do.

Any help would be greatly aprecitated.

[...analu!]

I'm not sure what people told you in the other thread, about seeking help? I know it's your parents who get you mad, but if you TOLD them that you cut and that there's a possibilty that you're depressed (even though you ARE happy sometimes), they'll be upset at first but since you're their daughter, they WILL seek help for you, and they WILL support you through anything you decide or not to do.

As for your boyfriend, that's normal! He's probably just as nervous as you, and just because he doesn't openly say, "I love you" all the time, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you! I know people who after talking to me ONE time say "oh, love you, bye!" and other people who i've known since i was a kid who have never said i love you to me, but i can tell they do love me, obviously.

So don't worry about you boyfriend, and although it is REALLY hard to seek help, since you're obviously worried that you're back to cutting, get help. It's not fun to see scars all over yourself because you're upset all the time, and it's just not healthy. :/

[bordercolliekennel]

Thanks for your help but I don't think my parents are going to understand, there probably going to send me to a mental instituoin or something. But you do have a good point that I should get help.

And thanks for your help with my bf, it really helped.

[...analu!]

You know what would be a possible solution, and probably help you overcome your fears of telling your parents? Look online for communities, forums, etc., of people who used to be depressed/cut/etc. and check out threads or ask for opinions and stuff, because people who have experienced such things can probably help you out more than, say, I can. But seriously, i really don't think your parents will be too bad, especially since they're probably wondering why their little girl has been locking herself out from the world in some ways.

[bordercolliekennel]

Thats a really good idea. The only thing is my parents are setting up this thing that sends them a report of every site I go on and i wouldn't want them to knowm I'm on those sites.

[xxnefariousxx]

I read an article about cutting, about the stress and damage of everyday life can just wear and tear, so people take it out on their bodies by eating disorders or self-inflicted wounds. I'm sure you don't have to tell your parents. But they're entitled to know. Maybe not right away, but sooner than later.

I would definitely suggest help. I'm sure a therapist could help. That way you can talk and relieve all of your troubles to him/her. It's helped me with things in the past. Do you know any numbers for local teen help services? You could perhaps call them, maybe schedule something without your parents knowing.

Trust your parents, though. If you told them, they wouldn't send you to an Insane Asylum - you're not crazy. You just have a not so good way of dealing with some stress.

Join those forums anyway - I think it could definitely help you. Would you rather join a forum and help sort out your problem? Or avoid it and hope your parents don't find out and continue to cut?

[Noelle]

I understand how you feel completely. I've never turned to cutting when I'm depressed...but I did turn to writing. You have to understand that I am in artist, so it's a way for me to relieve stress, anger, depression and just about everything. I write and I draw. My best scene in my in progress book came from a time where I just was bawling at how much my life sucked. I didn't specificaly write about why I was crying, but I created a place for my character to feel the same way. It actually was pretty fun to see my character suffer and then pick herself back up. I also like reading and watching movies to find an "escape" from life.

There is nothing wrong with you at all. I often get depressed for no reason at all. I just accept it, listen to music and move on. I'm am a very solitary person so I have never told anyone when I have ever felt depressed and just plain worthless. I don't know really what to tell you. Find something else that relieves your stress. If you've never heard of the song Never too Late by Skillet. You should. It's an amazing song that always makes me feel better.

Just keep in mind that you're normal. Everyone feels depressed, everyone feels worthless, everyone cries. It's the people who dare to struggle against it and say "No, not this time. I AM stronger than this" that are admirable. The people that reach out to their friends and families for support, and the people who realize that struggles make you stronger.

Oh and about the boy. Don't worry too much about it. You two are just getting to know each other. You can't really tell anything about a person until you know what makes them happy, cry, angry or anything. If you don't really know each other, there is no way you can tell if he loves you. I don't know. Love is harder for me to understand since I've never experienced it myself. Sorry if that didn't help.

[bordercolliekennel]

Thanks for the help everyone.

I don't think I know any numbers for local teen help. And its a good idea but I don't think i could schudle somthing without my parents knowing considering im 12 and there in my face about everything.

I used to read when I started to feel depressed but when I got out of school for the summer I've been kinda too lazy to start reading a book. I just started reading a new ineresting book so when i start to feel depressed I will try reading.

I have heard the song "Never Too Late" I love that song and it makes me feel better somtimes.

And about Kyle, I think I'm going to start a new topic cause I have been havine problems with him latley.

And for the forums, do you have any recomendations, like any ones that you've heard of or somthing?

Thanks again everyone.